Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Pop Culture Power Rankings: Horror Comedy Films!

Halloween is just two days away, which means it's time to stock up on candy and settle down with some of your favorite scary movies.

"But Rich, what if I want to be scared but I'm also in the mood to laugh? Also, I don't want to watch anything that came out before Galaxy Quest."

Lucky for you, this week's theme is horror comedies of the 21st century.

#1: The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

Not only is Joss Whedon’s soon-to-be cult-classic the best horror comedy of the century, it is also my favorite horror movie, period, and one of the best comedies in recent memory. The Cabin in the Woods is a deconstruction of the horror genre (specifically Evil Dead), playing with classic tropes and clichés in the most hilarious and Whedon-esque of ways. Thanks to its witty dialogue and absurd twists, Cabin makes most other attempts to satirize the horror genre look amateurish by comparison.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Pop Culture Power Rankings: Halloween Candy!

With Halloween right around the corner, people who live near doors are stocking up on candy to ensure that the riotous hordes of children and teenagers stay satisfied and keep their eggs and toilet paper holstered. But just handing out any old treat is not enough; like a Pez dispenser, it is your duty to bestow the candy that best satiates (and rots) our youths' collective sweet tooth.

There are just too many Halloween candies, so we’re going to have to double up on most of these categories. In an effort to keep this post under the traditional two hour run-time (an effort which is undermined by all of these explanations), I have decided to arbitrarily eliminate lollipops and sucking candies, so you will not see Jolly Ranchers, Tootsie Pops, Blow Pops or Dum Dums.

And remember: if your gums start bleeding, it means you're eating too much candy. Or not enough.

#1: Milky Way / Snickers / Three Musketeers

Often sold together in a variety bag, these three titans of the chocolate bar are all manufactured by Mars, inc, and they all share a similar milk chocolate exterior, as well as a nougat filling.

(Not at all) fun fact: outside of the U.S. and U.K., Milky Way bars do not have caramel, and are basically just Three Musketeers bars.  Uncool, rest of world.

#2: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup / Butterfingers

Two vastly different but extremely delicious takes on the idea that peanut butter is best served when smothered in chocolate. Peanut Butter Cups get the slight edge because they come in pumpkin shapes and they always have Halloween-specific commercials. 

Butterfingers are genetically engineered to get stuck in your teeth. Good thing 4 out of 5 dentists agree you can’t get cavities on Halloween!

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

NFL Power Rankings: Week 7 - Parks and Rec Edition!

Parks and Recreation is the best comedy on television.  If you think otherwise, then we are not in agreement with each other.

Tier One: Leslie Knope

1. Broncos (6-0) – (Previous rank: 1)

Pawnee's fearless leader / preeminent waffle enthusiast, Leslie is one of the most lovable characters on television.

Despite not being able to cover the lofty 27-point spread, the Broncos continue to be the class of the NFL. Like two of Pawnee’s more corpulent residents committing adultery, their game with the Jaguars was a sloppy affair. Still, Peyton Manning is leading the Broncos with the kind of efficiency that would make Leslie proud.

Tier Two: Ron Swanson

2. Chiefs (6-0) – (3)

Unquestionably the breakout character, Nick Offerman’s Ron Swanson displays the kind of tough-guy grit that has personified the Chiefs this season.

With their surprising perfect start, the Chiefs are clearly following the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness to a T.  Plus, Andy Reid has probably dressed up as Duke Silver for Halloween at least once.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

NFL Power Rankings: Week 6 - Will Ferrell Edition!

You probably saw those car commercials featuring Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy that ran all day during Sunday’s football games.  The end result is that I can’t remember what car was being advertised and Will Ferrell movies are the theme of this week’s power rankings.

Tier One: Anchorman

1. Broncos (5-0) – (Previous rank: 1)

Maybe the most quotable comedy of the past decade, this is the quintessential Will Ferrell movie.  I go back and forth on which of these top two movies I like more, but no character is more synonymous with Ferrell than Ron Burgundy.

There’s really not much more to say about how good Peyton Manning and the Broncos have been, so I’ll just list three of my fifteen favorite Ron Burgundy quotes:

“The Human Torch was denied a bank loan.”

“Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.”

“I’m Ron Burgundy?”

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

NFL Power Rankings: Week 5 - Breaking Bad Edition!

Vince Gilligan's Groundbreaking show officially became the greatest of all time this past Sunday when it aired its remarkable finale.  Let us now celebrate this true work of art by making its characters the theme of this week's power rankings! 
Tier One: Walter White

1. Broncos (4-0) – (Previous rank: 1)

Everyone’s favorite Chemistry Teacher/ Car Wash Employee/ Meth Cook/ Drug Lord!  Love him or hate him, Walter White is one of the great protagonists of all time, and Bryan Cranston deserves all three Emmy’s his performances have earned him.


No matter how you slice it, the Broncos are the cream of the crop.  The chemistry that Peyton Manning has with his league-best receiving corps is absurd.  He’s not in the touchdown business; he’s in the empire business.