With Halloween right around the corner, people who live near
doors are stocking up on candy to ensure that the riotous hordes of children and
teenagers stay satisfied and keep their eggs and toilet paper holstered. But just handing out any old treat is not enough;
like a Pez dispenser, it is your duty to bestow the candy that best satiates
(and rots) our youths' collective sweet tooth.
There are just too many Halloween candies, so we’re going to
have to double up on most of these categories. In an effort to keep this post under the traditional two hour run-time (an effort which is undermined by all of these explanations), I have decided to arbitrarily eliminate lollipops and sucking candies, so you will not see Jolly Ranchers, Tootsie Pops, Blow Pops or Dum Dums.
And remember: if your gums start bleeding, it means you're eating too much candy. Or not enough.
#1: Milky Way / Snickers / Three
Musketeers
Often sold together in a variety bag, these
three titans of the chocolate bar are all manufactured by Mars, inc, and they all share a similar milk chocolate exterior, as well as a nougat filling.
(Not at all) fun fact: outside of the U.S. and U.K., Milky Way bars do not have caramel, and are basically just Three Musketeers
bars. Uncool, rest of world.
#2: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup /
Butterfingers
Two vastly different but extremely delicious
takes on the idea that peanut butter is best served when smothered in
chocolate. Peanut Butter Cups get the slight edge because they come in pumpkin
shapes and they always have Halloween-specific commercials.
Butterfingers are genetically
engineered to get stuck in your teeth. Good thing 4 out of 5 dentists agree you can’t get cavities on
Halloween!
