Pop Culture Power Rankings: Worst New Show of 2013!

What better way to celebrate the year that was than to rank all of the characters from the worst new show of 2013?

First, we must determine the worst show to debut in the past twelve months. This was an unusually strong year; shows like Dads and The Millers were bad enough to have taken home the honor in most years. But with a slate stocked with so much dogshit, being an unfunny sit-com - no matter how racist or fart-filled - just wasn't going to cut it (if I were a writer for The Millers, the phrase "cut it" would have been an excellent opportunity for a fart joke).

With Dads and The Millers, you knew what you were getting into from day zero. Even with the amount of talent on board both shows, there was never a moment when anyone ever thought either program would be anything other than awful.

The worst show of 2013 needed to be a special kind of bad. It needed to have gotten your hopes up at some point that it could have been worth watching, only to squander that potential.

Enter: Under the Dome!

When it was announced that Stephen King's novel was being adapted as a Showtime miniseries, there was plenty of buzz. People remained interested when the commercials for the show, which was now known to be a CBS television series, started leaking out. By the time the first episode ended, we were left with some intriguing threads that could have led to a fun and absorbing mystery / science fiction show. And then, like the town of Chester's Mill itself, everything started to fall apart.

It got bad. Real bad. In lieu of any sort of interesting plot, we got a narrative that meandered between pointless cliffhangers and questions we did not care to have answered. It was as if a community college film student wrote a spec-script for a Lost spinoff series and plugged in characters and locations from Stephen King's novel. Then, so CBS' core audience could understand it, they dumbed it down even more.

The result: a verifiable hit, and one of the highest rated new shows on television.

So, without further ado, here are the rankings of the characters from Under the Dome, the worst show of the year!

1. Cow

Pop Culture Power Rankings: Ugly Christmas Sweaters!

With December 25 almost upon us, this week's power rankings also double as a plea to lay down our arms and end this senseless war on Christmas! How many elves must die before enough is enough?

Click on the pictures to experience the full effect of each sweater's endearing tackiness. Links for each original picture is provided in the tier headings, but the terrible puns are all courtesy of yours truly (me).

1. Dreaming of a Black Christmas

Here it is: undeniable proof that Santa Claus can be black, much to the chagrin of Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly. If it wasn't true, it wouldn't be on a sweater. That simple, universal truth applies to most situations.

This particular sweater makes the statement that Christmas spirit is colorblind. Then again, anyone wearing any of these ugly sweaters most likely has some sort of visual impairment.

2. Here Plumbs Santa Claus

This sweater shows us the softer side of Santa (he really needs to add more roughage to his diet). It reminds us that Mr. Kringle is, after all, just another human, while also confirming the old adage that "everybody poops."

3. Ginger-dead Man

When discussing the history of Christmas, our society tends to gloss over the dark spots. It is time for us to put an end to the morally reprehensible practice of granting consciousness to inanimate cookies, then promptly eating them, limb-by-limb. Can we at least agree to eat them head-first to give them the mercy of a quick death?

This sweater depicts the events of the infamous "Night of Insatiable Hunger," in which Santa consumed nearly two-thirds of the world's Gingerbread Man population. Since that night, children have been leaving an offering of milk and cookies for Old Saint Nick in order to replete his cravings and save the now-endangered species of Gingerbread Men.

Pop Culture Power Rankings: American Idol!

The past couple of weeks, American Idol commercials have been playing on FOX with increasing regularity. This means two things: it is almost time to not watch FOX on Wednesdays and Thursdays (or whenever American Idol is on these days…I’m not looking it up) and that American Idol winners are this week’s theme.

The rankings are based on a combination of the artist’s music sales, how much of an impact they have had on pop culture and how much I like them.

Candice Glover, the most recent champion, has been left off because it is too early to judge her post-Idol career.

1. Kelly Clarkson (Season One)

The original American Idol is also the best to have ever graced the show’s stage. Her vocal range is fantastic, her song choices (and co-writing, when applicable) are excellent and she seems like a fun, kindhearted person. She was even an essential part of one of the best comedy films of the century. The only knock against her is that she’s a Cowboys fan, but no one is perfect.

“Since U Been Gone” may have a sophomoric title (which makes sense, since it is from her second album), but it also might be the best song to have come from anyone associated with the show. Her catalog is easily the most impressive of any Idol alum, and her 2004 breakthrough album (aptly titled Breakaway) produced five singles that charted #12 or higher.

Simply put, she is the best thing to have ever come out of American Idol and her rise to stardom validates the existence of the show. Not even From Justin to Kelly can change that.

Pop Culture Power Rankings: Pizza Toppings Edition!

Pizza was in the news recently when Jon Stewart of the Daily Show put Chicago in its place, making now as good a time as any to roll out my pizza-themed power rankings. 

Consider these rankings when you're deciding what toppings to order for your next pizza party (thanks for the invitation, by the way)!



1. Pepperoni Pizza

If we're just discussing the biggest names in the meat game, Pepperoni is not sniffing the top of that list. Don't get me wrong, it’s tasty for sure, and probably in the top ten, but it is rare that I ever get a craving for just pepperoni. But when it comes to deciding what toppings to get on your pizza, you can throw the normal hierarchy of meats out the window. For whatever reason, the true flavor of the pepperoni is unlocked only when it sits atop warm cheese and tomato sauce.  

Pepperoni pizzas may not be the most exciting choice, but they are the standard go-to when ordering toppings for a group (assuming you do not kowtow to silly vegetarians), and the most easily agreeable option. In other words, pepperonis are to pizza what chocolate chips are to cookies. 

Just look at what kind of pizza the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are enjoying. That's really all you need to know.

2. Hawaiian Pizza

The sweetness of the pineapple and the saltiness of the ham contrast to create a distinct yumminess (scientifically speaking), making it the perfect change of pace or compliment to all other pies. 

When ordered, it is a choice that is sometimes met with sour faces or confusion, and sometimes even outright revolt ("no one is going to eat that!"), but the supporters of the Hawaiian pizza are a zealous, ravenous lot. Simply put, I’ve never been to a pizza party where the Hawaiian pizza was not the first one to be finished.

Pop Culture Power Rankings: Cereal Mascots Edition!

What is the best way to get children addicted to sugary cereal? Create a fun, colorful mascot that is also addicted to said cereal!

1. Tony the Tiger (Frosted Flakes)

There is some pretty strong competition for the best cereal mascot, but in the end, it had to be the big guy. 

Not only does he have the most recognizable catchphrase (something about how good his cereal is…I can’t recall at the moment), but he also has the good sense not to tackle your son when the three of you are playing football in your front yard. In fact, I’m pretty sure Tony is the only one on this list that you would trust to play sports with your son.

2. Cap’n Crunch

According to Wikipidia (not that hard, was it Rand?) Cap’n Horatio Magellan Crunch was “born on Crunch Island in the Sea of Milk – a magical place with talking trees, crazy creatures and a whole mountain (Mt. Crunchmore) made out of Cap’n Crunch cereal.”

Yes, his cereal is 45% cardboard and has a 70% chance of cutting the inside of your mouth, but at least it sometimes comes with a healthy dose of crunch berries. 

I’d also like to take this opportunity to wish Cap’n Crunch, as well as everyone else who has served in our nations’ armed forces, a happy Veterans Day (although there is some controversy regarding whether or not he is actually a captain).

Pop Culture Power Rankings: Halloween Costumes!

For this week’s theme, I ranked the most popular character costumes I saw during the 2013 Halloween parade in Greenwich Village.

I created a scientific formula to score each costume (dubbed the "Halloween Happy Time" score) by factoring the timeliness of the costume, how good the costume looks, how many people I saw wearing the costume, and how surprised I am that this costume was popular.

Unfortunately, the result was a seemingly random order, so I just re-ranked them based on how much I like the source material (which is, in itself, a ridiculous task…how do you compare a movie to television show to a video game to a pop star?)

#1: Marvel's Avengers

At this point, I’m pretty sure you could put the word “Marvel’s” in front of Manos: The Hands of Fate, and it would make $100 million. This same idea applies to Halloween, as the big M’s costumes were everywhere. The most popular were Iron Man, Captain America and Spider-Man (no, he’s not in the movie, but Spider-Man has occasionally been a member of the Avengers in the comic books, so I’m counting it. If you disagree with this decision, please direct all hate-mail to NedSnarkComplaintLine@gmail.com).

But the real reason the Avengers are ranked #1 is because there was no better Halloween costume than that of the lady shown above (who may or may not be my sister), who dressed up as all six of the (movie’s) Avengers, as well as Nick Fury, at once.

(Halloween Happy Time score: 89.4/100)

Pop Culture Power Rankings: Horror Comedy Films!

Halloween is just two days away, which means it's time to stock up on candy and settle down with some of your favorite scary movies.

"But Rich, what if I want to be scared but I'm also in the mood to laugh? Also, I don't want to watch anything that came out before Galaxy Quest."

Lucky for you, this week's theme is horror comedies of the 21st century.

#1: The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

Not only is Joss Whedon’s soon-to-be cult-classic the best horror comedy of the century, it is also my favorite horror movie, period, and one of the best comedies in recent memory. The Cabin in the Woods is a deconstruction of the horror genre (specifically Evil Dead), playing with classic tropes and clichés in the most hilarious and Whedon-esque of ways. Thanks to its witty dialogue and absurd twists, Cabin makes most other attempts to satirize the horror genre look amateurish by comparison.

Pop Culture Power Rankings: Halloween Candy!

With Halloween right around the corner, people who live near doors are stocking up on candy to ensure that the riotous hordes of children and teenagers stay satisfied and keep their eggs and toilet paper holstered. But just handing out any old treat is not enough; like a Pez dispenser, it is your duty to bestow the candy that best satiates (and rots) our youths' collective sweet tooth.

There are just too many Halloween candies, so we’re going to have to double up on most of these categories. In an effort to keep this post under the traditional two hour run-time (an effort which is undermined by all of these explanations), I have decided to arbitrarily eliminate lollipops and sucking candies, so you will not see Jolly Ranchers, Tootsie Pops, Blow Pops or Dum Dums.

And remember: if your gums start bleeding, it means you're eating too much candy. Or not enough.

#1: Milky Way / Snickers / Three Musketeers

Often sold together in a variety bag, these three titans of the chocolate bar are all manufactured by Mars, inc, and they all share a similar milk chocolate exterior, as well as a nougat filling.

(Not at all) fun fact: outside of the U.S. and U.K., Milky Way bars do not have caramel, and are basically just Three Musketeers bars.  Uncool, rest of world.

#2: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup / Butterfingers

Two vastly different but extremely delicious takes on the idea that peanut butter is best served when smothered in chocolate. Peanut Butter Cups get the slight edge because they come in pumpkin shapes and they always have Halloween-specific commercials. 

Butterfingers are genetically engineered to get stuck in your teeth. Good thing 4 out of 5 dentists agree you can’t get cavities on Halloween!

NFL Power Rankings: Week 7 - Parks and Rec Edition!

Parks and Recreation is the best comedy on television.  If you think otherwise, then we are not in agreement with each other.

Tier One: Leslie Knope

1. Broncos (6-0) – (Previous rank: 1)

Pawnee's fearless leader / preeminent waffle enthusiast, Leslie is one of the most lovable characters on television.

Despite not being able to cover the lofty 27-point spread, the Broncos continue to be the class of the NFL. Like two of Pawnee’s more corpulent residents committing adultery, their game with the Jaguars was a sloppy affair. Still, Peyton Manning is leading the Broncos with the kind of efficiency that would make Leslie proud.

Tier Two: Ron Swanson

2. Chiefs (6-0) – (3)

Unquestionably the breakout character, Nick Offerman’s Ron Swanson displays the kind of tough-guy grit that has personified the Chiefs this season.

With their surprising perfect start, the Chiefs are clearly following the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness to a T.  Plus, Andy Reid has probably dressed up as Duke Silver for Halloween at least once.

NFL Power Rankings: Week 6 - Will Ferrell Edition!

You probably saw those car commercials featuring Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy that ran all day during Sunday’s football games.  The end result is that I can’t remember what car was being advertised and Will Ferrell movies are the theme of this week’s power rankings.

Tier One: Anchorman

1. Broncos (5-0) – (Previous rank: 1)

Maybe the most quotable comedy of the past decade, this is the quintessential Will Ferrell movie.  I go back and forth on which of these top two movies I like more, but no character is more synonymous with Ferrell than Ron Burgundy.

There’s really not much more to say about how good Peyton Manning and the Broncos have been, so I’ll just list three of my fifteen favorite Ron Burgundy quotes:

“The Human Torch was denied a bank loan.”

“Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.”

“I’m Ron Burgundy?”

NFL Power Rankings: Week 5 - Breaking Bad Edition!

Vince Gilligan's Groundbreaking show officially became the greatest of all time this past Sunday when it aired its remarkable finale.  Let us now celebrate this true work of art by making its characters the theme of this week's power rankings! 

Tier One: Walter White

1. Broncos (4-0) – (Previous rank: 1)

Everyone’s favorite Chemistry Teacher/ Car Wash Employee/ Meth Cook/ Drug Lord!  Love him or hate him, Walter White is one of the great protagonists of all time, and Bryan Cranston deserves all three Emmy’s his performances have earned him.

No matter how you slice it, the Broncos are the cream of the crop.  The chemistry that Peyton Manning has with his league-best receiving corps is absurd.  He’s not in the touchdown business; he’s in the empire business.