Pop Culture Power Rankings: Halloween Candy!

With Halloween right around the corner, people who live near doors are stocking up on candy to ensure that the riotous hordes of children and teenagers stay satisfied and keep their eggs and toilet paper holstered. But just handing out any old treat is not enough; like a Pez dispenser, it is your duty to bestow the candy that best satiates (and rots) our youths' collective sweet tooth.

There are just too many Halloween candies, so we’re going to have to double up on most of these categories. In an effort to keep this post under the traditional two hour run-time (an effort which is undermined by all of these explanations), I have decided to arbitrarily eliminate lollipops and sucking candies, so you will not see Jolly Ranchers, Tootsie Pops, Blow Pops or Dum Dums.

And remember: if your gums start bleeding, it means you're eating too much candy. Or not enough.

#1: Milky Way / Snickers / Three Musketeers

Often sold together in a variety bag, these three titans of the chocolate bar are all manufactured by Mars, inc, and they all share a similar milk chocolate exterior, as well as a nougat filling.

(Not at all) fun fact: outside of the U.S. and U.K., Milky Way bars do not have caramel, and are basically just Three Musketeers bars.  Uncool, rest of world.

#2: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup / Butterfingers

Two vastly different but extremely delicious takes on the idea that peanut butter is best served when smothered in chocolate. Peanut Butter Cups get the slight edge because they come in pumpkin shapes and they always have Halloween-specific commercials. 

Butterfingers are genetically engineered to get stuck in your teeth. Good thing 4 out of 5 dentists agree you can’t get cavities on Halloween!

  

#3: Skittles / Starburst

The two uncontested champions of the fruity candies, Skittles and Starburst are an explosion of sweet, artificial fruit that will make mouths happy (although this is Twizzlers' slogan, a recent Rutgers study showed that both Skittles and Starbursts, on average, make more mouths happy per year).

Is it coincidence that the Seahawks and Marshawn Lynch, who derives his power from eating Skittles, fall into this category? Or did I just make sure to put Seattle in the Skittles tier? I'll never tell.

And even though they are not as widely distributed on Halloween, let's go ahead and throw Sour Patch Kids (ooh, and Sour Patch Watermelons! And I guess Swedish Fish) into this category, because they are wonderful.

#4: Kit Kat / Twix 

For some reason, I always associate these two candy bars with each other, even though Twix has caramel and Kit Kat does not. It's probably because they both feature a biscuit-like center covered in milk chocolate (although Kit Kat has wafers while Twix has shortbread), and because they are the two preeminent chocolates that present themselves in the form of more than one bar per wrapper. 

I'm probably the only person who thinks of them together, but I like them about the same, and it's my blog, so we're going to put them in the same tier.

#5: M&M's / Peanut M&M's / Reese’s Pieces

Little candy coated chocolate buttons, M&Ms are the king of candy.  For what reason, I’ll never understand…I get that they are fun to look at and easy to pop, but they’re probably the blandest tasting candy out there.

Peanut M&Ms are a little more exciting, as are Reese’s Pieces, which trade milk chocolate for peanut butter. But if you are one of those insufferable people that pronounce them “Reesies Piecies,” I ask that you please exit my blog and never return.

#6: Nerds / Nerds Ropes / Twizzlers 

Of the candies that are basically 100% sugar (Sweet Tarts, Smarties, etc.) Nerds are far and away the tastiest, as well as the most fun to eat; there's always one last nerd clinging to the bottom of that tiny little box.

Nerds Ropes were invented as a revolutionary new way to enjoy the sugary little boogers, attaching them to pieces of candy strings that are not totally unlike a Twizzler. 

And for no reason in particular, here is a "Yahoo! Answers" thread in which someone inexplicably asked this non-burning question: "do u like nerds rope or twizzlers better after a hot cup of green tea?" Was this person asking which of these two treats people prefer after they drink a hot cup of green tea? Or did she / he rather mean to ask whether people prefer to guzzle down a hot cup of green tea before eating either of these candies? I have so many questions. Yahoo! has answers.

#7: Almond Joy / Mounds

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t, but you very rarely feel like Almond Joy or Mounds.

Here is a Family Guy clip illustrating that point.

#8: Candy Corn

The only vegetable on this list, candy corn is a seasonal Halloween treat made of sugar, food coloring and earwax. They are also an accurate representation of what your teeth would look like if you eat too much candy corn.

These three teams are the football equivalent of candy corn; they are sweet, waxy, triangular candies that are orange, yellow and white and you only see them around Halloween. In an unrelated note, someone needs to teach me how analogies work.

Go ahead and throw Tootsie Rolls in here, since they are basically just chocolate flavored earwax.

#ComeOnMan: Dental Floss

Every trick or treating route has one: the wet blanket who takes it upon her / himself to hand out dental floss instead of candy. And even though she / he is actually looking out for the children, it sure doesn’t feel that way when you see that little plastic floss container plop into your pumpkin bucket.

The same goes for people who give out pencils, erasers, loose change and anything else that wont cause tooth decay.

#BushLeagueBro: Empty Bowl With a “Please Take One” Sign

I really believe that the vast majority of people would actually take just one of whatever you leave in your bowl. But, much like swimming in the town pool, it only takes one asshole to ruin the experience for the rest of us.

#ActuallyIllegal: Homemade Anthrax-Infused Candy Apples

Razorblades optional (but strongly recommended).