Welcome to Ned Snark Power Rankings! This week, I attempt to shoehorn at least one 2013 movie reference into each team’s blurb. Some of them are unsubtle. The others are even less subtle.
See if you can catch all 38 references!
1. Broncos (1-0) – The Broncos strengthen their claim to the top spot thanks to their fast and furious offense. Peyton Manning threw seven touchdowns in week one, conjuring images of the all-time great performances. (Preseason rank: 1)
2. 49ers (1-0) – We know their defense is fantastic, but the continuing development of Kaepernick means this team’s upside is Riddickulous (sorry, I’ll try and do better). Alternate movie reference: Inside Vernon Davis. (2)
3. Falcons (0-1) – Matt Ryan finally crossed “winning a playoff game” off his to-do list. Now he needs to take the next step. (3)
4. Seahawks (1-0) – Someone in my fantasy football leagues took Seahawks D as one of his keepers. That has more to do with his terrible decision-making, but it also shows how good this defense could be. And with the acquisitions of Percy Harvin, Cliff Avril and Michael Bennett, the Seahawks were the kings of summer. Alternate movie reference: Percy Harvin and the Seahawks of Monsters. (4)
5. Patriots (1-0) – There is an upcoming movie called “Prisoner.” And, you know…Aaron Hernandez. Assemble the joke yourself. (6)
6. Packers (0-1) – Their passing offense is always great, but they’ll need Eddie Lacy and the ground game to pitch in for their offense to truly run on turbo. (5)
7. Texans (1-0) – With first-rouner DeAndre Hopkins and a healthy Owen Daniels, Houston may finally have two guns to go along with Andre Johnson in the passing game. (8)
8. Saints (1-0) – A movie called “Ain’t Them Bodies Saints” came out in August. I have no idea what it’s about, but you better believe I’m using it here. (14)
9. Ravens (0-1) – While I don’t think they’ll suffer a Super Bowl hangover, I would also not expect to see them add any more bling to their ring collection. (7)
10. Cowboys (1-0) – This could be the last stand for Jason Garrett if the Cowboys don’t make the playoffs. (12)
11. Colts (1-0) – How log before Andrew Luck is an elite QB? I give it a year. (13)
12. Eagles (1-0) – Michael Vick and LeSean McCoy appear to be way, way back. (20)
13. Bears (1-0) – They should be solid, but I don’t expect their defense to be great and powerful anymore. (15)
14. Bengals (0-1) – A team that appeared to be spiraling into darkness a couple years ago now has a very nice young core, despite a week one loss. (9)
15. Giants (0-1) – (One of) the host(s) of the Super Bowl would love to be playing a home game in February. If they keep turning the ball over like this, they won’t even make the playoffs. (10)
16. Redskins (0-1) – RGIII is the Redskins’ iron man…in that, with the amount of hits he’s going to take this year, doctors will probably need to fuse iron to his bones if they are going to keep him in one piece. (11)
17. Rams (1-0) – They have some good young pieces, but I would not expect the Rams to be spectacular now. (17)
18. Chiefs (1-0) – The side effects of hiring Andy Reid will be an improved record and maybe even a trip to the playoffs. (23)
19. Lions (1-0) – A week one win will help the citizens of Detroit purge all of last season’s heartbreaking close losses from their memories. (21)
20. Vikings (0-1) – Last year, Adrian Peterson’s superhuman healing ability allowed him to enjoy one of the greatest offensive seasons in league history. The Vikings will need every inch of his adamantium if they are going to claw their way back to the playoffs. (18)
21. Dolphins (1-0) – If Lamar Miller can carry this team’s offense, maybe we’ll see Dolphins fans welcome him to the family by sporting “We’re The Millers” shirts. But we probably won’t. (22)
22. Buccaneers (0-1) – This spring, they were the breakers of their bank with the acquisition and subsequent extension of Darrelle Revis. (19)
23. Steelers (0-1) – With all the injuries they’ve sustained, the men of Steel City might as well be from Broken City. (16)
24. Panthers (0-1) – Cam Newton likes to pretend he’s the man of steel upon reaching the end zone. He’ll look dumb doing it when they are down by three scores. What? I already used Man of Steel? Well…umm…The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones. There. (24)
25. Chargers (0-1) – New Coach Mike McCoy and GM Tom Telesco may be stand up guys, but Phillip Rivers and the Chargers were as mercurial as ever on Monday night. (25)
26. Titans (1-0) – With five sacks, the Titans had Ben Roethlisberger in the mud all day long. (28)
27. Cardinals (0-1) – Arizona fans are going to need their drinking buddies to make it through the season. (26)
28. Bills (0-1) – I hope EJ Manuel has an escape plan, because his offensive line will be doing very little protecting. (29)
29. Browns (0-1) – Trent Richardson is an amazing talent, but he can’t do it all by himself. He’s hoping Jordan Cameron can be his Tonto. (27)
30. Jets (1-0) – GM Mike Tannenbaum was fired in the offseason. Despite a week one win, Rex Ryan: you’re next. (31)
31. Raiders (0-1) – It’s going to be a dark world for Raiders fans this season, but Terrelle Pryor provided a glimmer of light. (32)
32. Jaguars (0-1) – This team is as awful as Grown Ups 2 (not every reference can be clever). (30)
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