NFL Power Rankings: Week 4 - Dexter Edition!

With the (once) popular television show Dexter (mercifully) coming to a close this past Sunday, I take a stab (get it??) at sending the show off in style by using its characters as the theme for this week’s spoiler-free power rankings!

Tier One: Dexter Morgan

1. Broncos (3-0) – (Previous rank: 1)

2. Seahawks (3-0) – (2)

More specifically, Dexter Morgan from seasons 1-4.  Back when this show was one of the best on television, Dexter was among the most compelling protagonists out there.

Despite the fact that there are seven undefeated teams, the Broncos and Seahawks are easily a cut above the rest thanks to the league's best offense and defense, respectively. Until further notice, these are the favorites to face off in the Super Bowl.

Tier Two: Deborah Morgan

3. Saints (3-0) – (8)

4. Patriots (3-0) – (7)

5. Bears (3-0) – (9)

Jennifer Carpenter was the standout performer among the main cast and it is simply criminal that she has never been nominated for an Emmy.

The Patriots, Saints and Bears have all performed at an exceptional level thus far, and although I don’t think they are as well-rounded as the Broncos or Seahawks, there is no complaining with what they have done up to this point.

Tier Three: Arthur Mitchell

6. Bengals (2-1) – (11)

7. Ravens (2-1) – (10)

8. Colts (2-1) – (12)

John Lithgow opened eyes with a killer performance (get it??) as season four's villain.  He was a joy to watch whenever he was on screen, but the fact that he was only in one season means that he can't be any higher on this list.

The Bengals, Ravens and Colts have all had some great moments, especially their impressive wins over quality opponents in week 3. I still need to see more of these kinds of performances from them before I consider moving them any higher (seriously, did you understand the wordplay I employed above, or did it just go over your head?).

Tier Four: Doakes

9. Chiefs (3-0) – (13)

10. Dolphins (3-0) – (14)

Erik King gave a great performance as Dexter's sometimes-adversary. Even though his personality was a little rough around the edges (i.e. he had a potty-mouth), he was always a fan-favorite.

The AFC is looking stronger than expected, thanks in part to the surprising performances by these two easy-to-root-for underdogs.

Tier Five: Rita

11. 49ers (1-2) – (3)

12. Falcons (1-2) – (4)

13. Packers (1-2) – (5)

Many Dexter fans wrongfully direct hatred towards Rita for…not being a serial killer?  I don’t know, I never really understood the disdain for Dexter’s paramour.  She was a mostly-likable character who was partially responsible for one of the greatest moments in the series.

Likewise, the 49ers, Falcons and Packers have been solid, with flashes of brilliance.  Unfortunately, they have faced tough schedules and played well below their lofty expectations.  I still see all three of these teams making the playoffs, but their inconsistent play is concerning.

Tier Six: Angel

14. Cowboys (2-1) – (15)

15. Texans (2-1) – (6)

16. Lions (2-1) – (20)

For the most part, Angel was a good, harmless guy.  He also had an endearing speech impediment that caused him to pronounce the protagonist's name as "Dexta."

These are three solid teams that have a shot at sneaking into the playoffs, but they seem to lack the overall potency to do any real damage once they get there. Also, I imagine that Tony Romo probably pronounces a lot of words incorrectly.

Tier Seven: Quinn

17. Panthers (1-2) – (23)

18. Titans (2-1) – (25)

19. Eagles (1-2) – (16)

20. Rams (1-2) – (19)

21. Jets (2-1) – (31)

22. Chargers (1-2) – (21)

23. Browns (1-2) – (30)

24. Vikings (0-3) – (22)

The fact that the biggest tier is Quinn is symbolic of what plagued Dexter in the second half of its existence: too much time devoted to characters no one really cared about.  Case in point: it took me three seasons to realize that Quinn was not his first name.

These teams are not terrible, they just aren’t any good, and when they are not on your television screen, you forget that they exist. Due to parity or competitive balance or whatever term you want to use, these "meh" teams are always going to form the biggest group.

Tier Eight: Masuka

25. Redskins (0-3) – (18)

26. Giants (0-3) – (17)

27. Steelers (0-3) – (26)

Masuka’s role on Dexter was singular: comic relief (i.e. he had a potty-mouth).

Thus far, the Redskins, Giants and Steelers have been the laughing stock of the NFL.  There are worse teams out there, but the combination of expectations and ineptitude makes these the most shocking of the winless.

Tier Nine: Dexter’s Inner Monologue/ Ghost Harry

28. Cardinals (1-2) – (24)

29. Bills (1-2) – (27)

30. Buccaneers (0-3) – (28)

31. Raiders (1-2) – (29)

This show was never as blunt as when Dexter’s inner monologue was telling the audience how it should feel about what was happening on screen.  Ditto for Dexter’s Ghost Dad always telling the hard truths that Dexter, nor the audience, wanted to hear.

Fans of the Cardinals, Bills, Bucs and Raiders would not like the hard truths they’d hear from Dexter’s inner monologue/ Ghost Harry about their teams. Deep down, they would know it’s true.

Tier Ten: That Guy Colin Hanks Played

32. Jaguars (0-3) – (32)

Sure, I could have easily referred to the character by his name, but that would be giving the writers too much credit for the disaster that was season 6.  Colin Hanks was inoffensive enough, in that my eyes did not bleed from watching his performance. But what a terrible season.

Boy, oh boy, what a terrible season.