After the announcement that the Piano Man will be one of the honorees at this year’s Kennedy Center Honors, we would like to offer up even greater accolades to Long Island’s own by making his songs the subject of this week’s power rankings.
Tier One: Piano Man
1. Broncos (2-0) – (Previous rank: 1)
2 Seahawks (2-0) – (4)
Regardless of personal taste, there is no question that Piano Man is Billy Joel’s top song. Sure, it’s become overplayed over the years, especially if you are a regular at your local dueling piano bar. But that’s your own fault for being a regular at a dueling piano bar.
Likewise, there is no argument over the top team in each conference. The Broncos and Seahawks are the unquestioned favorites at this early juncture, especially after a couple of dominating performances against (in theory) NFC contenders.
3. 49ers (1-1) – (2)
4. Falcons (1-1) – (3)
5. Packers (1-1) – (5)
These are all still good teams, despite having already tasted defeat early in the young season.
The Falcons and Packers both lost close games to quality opponents, while the 49ers were blown out in Seattle. Niners fans can take solace in the fact that plenty of contenders have gone into that thunderous cathedral of a stadium and looked worse against lousier Seahawks teams.
Tier Three: Scenes from an Italian Restaurant
6. Texans (2-0) – (7)
7. Patriots (2-0) – (6)
8. Saints (2-0) – (8)
9. Bears (2-0) – (13)
Possibly the song most beloved by Joel’s fans, this seven and a half minute opus details the lives of two of lovers who peak early in their life, only to end in a bittersweet divorce.
Despite better records than the teams in the previous tier, the performances of these unbeaten squads give me pause. Hidden behind their perfect records are signs that heartbreak could be looming down the road.
Still, up to this point, they find a way to get by.
Tier Four: Movin’ Out (Anthony’s Song)
10. Ravens (1-1) – (9)
11. Bengals (1-1) – (14)
12. Colts (1-1) – (11)
These three AFC teams exceeded expectations last season (to varying degrees, obviously). After two games, they are all finding out that things probably won’t come as easy this season. If they intend to reach or surpass their previous heights, they are going to have to keep their nose to the grindstone, not unlike the hard working, blue-collar individuals detailed in Movin’ Out (the song, not the Broadway musical).
Tier Five: New York State of Mind
13. Chiefs (2-0) – (18)
14. Dolphins (2-0) – (21)
With their surprising 2-0 starts, fans of the Chiefs and Dolphins are already thinking about booking their trips to New York for the Super Bowl (yes, I know the game is in New Jersey, but they would undoubtedly be spending their non-Super Bowl time on the other side of the Hudson).
It’s a nice start, but I’d hold off on purchasing those greyhound tickets.
Tier Six: Miami 2017 (I’ve Seen the Lights Go Out on Broadway)
15. Cowboys (1-1) – (10)
16. Eagles (1-1) – (12)
17. Giants (0-2) – (15)
18. Redskins (0-2) – (16)
Miami 2017 details the comically ridiculous fictional demise of the once powerful city of New York.
The NFC East was once considered to be the best the league had to offer, but that was so many years ago. The good news is that one of these teams, by rule, has to make the playoffs.
Tier Seven: Captain Jack
19. Rams (1-1) – (17)
20. Lions (1-1) – (19)
21. Chargers (1-1) – (25)
22. Vikings (0-2) – (20)
23. Panthers (0-2) – (24)
24. Cardinals (1-1) – (27)
25. Titans (1-1) – (26)
26. Steelers (0-2) – (23)
By far the biggest tier is comprised of the teams that just kind of slip through the cracks. They are not bad enough to be among the dreadful teams in the bottom two tiers, which means they will probably not be challenging for the number one draft pick. But if you think any of these teams have a legitimate shot at making the Super Bowl, you are likely self medicating.
Tier Eight: We Didn’t Start the Fire
27. Bills (1-1) – (28)
28. Buccaneers (0-2) – (22)
29. Raiders (1-1) – (31)
30. Browns (0-2) – (29)
31. Jets (1-1) – (30)
If you are from Long Island, there’s a good chance you know all the words. If not, you sing along like Peter Griffin.
These teams all have the chance to be as catastrophic as the disasters Joel cites in the song.
Tier Nine: Any Attila Song
32. Jaguars (0-2) – (32)
Before Billy Joel was a solo hit-maker, he was half of a two-piece psychedelic rock outfit called “Attilla.” Joel lent his vocals and organ skills while someone named Jon Smalls played the drums. Their first and only release is considered by many to be one of the worst rock albums of all time.
This is being generous to the Jaguars.
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