What is the best way to get children addicted to sugary cereal? Create a fun, colorful mascot that is also addicted to said cereal!
1. Tony the Tiger (Frosted Flakes)
There is some pretty strong
competition for the best cereal mascot, but in the end, it had to be the big
guy.
Not only does he have the most
recognizable catchphrase (something about how good his cereal is…I can’t recall
at the moment), but he also has the good sense not to tackle your son when the
three of you are playing football in your front yard. In fact, I’m pretty sure Tony is the only one
on this list that you would trust to play sports with your son.
2. Cap’n Crunch
According to Wikipidia (not that hard, was it Rand?) Cap’n Horatio Magellan Crunch was “born on Crunch Island in the
Sea of Milk – a magical place with talking trees, crazy creatures and a whole
mountain (Mt. Crunchmore) made out of Cap’n Crunch cereal.”
Yes, his cereal is 45% cardboard and has a 70% chance of cutting
the inside of your mouth, but at least it sometimes comes with a healthy dose
of crunch berries.
I’d also like to take this
opportunity to wish Cap’n Crunch, as well as everyone else who has served in
our nations’ armed forces, a happy Veterans Day (although there is some controversy regarding whether or not he is actually a captain).
3. Snap, Crackle and Pop
(Rice Krispies)
Although you racistly can’t tell
any elves apart, the three mascots of the healthiest (or at least the cereal
with the smallest amount of sugar) cereal on this list are all individuals with
their own quirks and ticks.
As per retroplanet.com: "Snap, the
oldest brother, solves the problems his younger brothers create. Crackle is the
middle child with a fun-loving personality that helps keep order between his
brothers. Pop is the jokester, clumsy and never serious."
More importantly (and hilariously),
here are their names in other countries:
· Sweden: Piff! Paff! Puff!
· Germany: Knisper! Knasper! Knusper!
· Mexico: Pim! Pum! Pam!
· Finland: Poks! Riks! Raks!
· Holland: Pif! Paf! Pof!
· South Africa: Knap! Knaetter! Knak!
And in Canadian French its: Cric! Crac! Croc!
4. Toucan Sam (Fruit
Loops) / Sonny the Cuckoo Bird (Cocoa
Puffs)
The phrase “Follow your nose!”
rivals “They’re grrreat!” for the best slogan in the cereal game. Unfortunately, it also conjures images of a
colorful cartoon bird snorting lines of crunchy, rainbow colored powder.
Sonny the Cuckoo Bird is clearly
behind Toucan Sam in the zeitgeist, but he’s basically the same thing: a
large-beaked bird who is hopelessly hooked on a sugary cereal. The only difference is that Sonny is aware of
his addiction (his catchphrase is “I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs”). The first step to recovery is admitting you
have a problem.
5. Trix Rabbit
I can’t be the only one who always
rooted for the "silly rabbit" to finally get a hold of a bowl of Trix, which is why it was so
cathartic to finally see him live out his dream... even if it did likely result in a lengthy jail sentence.
It probably would have been a lot easier for him to
just buy a box of crunch berries, since they are basically the same thing.
6. Lucky the Leprechaun
(Lucky Charms)
I was going to write about how this
mascot shares a name with that of the Boston Celtics, but then I came across
this article about conservative pundits lambasting Lucky Charms for “going gay,”
when General Mills announced it would celebrate pride month by introducing two
new rainbow marshmallows.
Sometimes
reality really is funnier than fiction.
7. Dig’em Frog (Honey Smacks)
I can understand why Dig'em is so addicted to Honey Smacks: a 2008 report showed that one bowl of his favorite cereal contained as much sugar as a glazed donut from Dunkin' Donuts. And people wonder why so many of our nation's young frogs are so fat.
8. Count Chocula / Boo
Berry / Franken Berry
The three canonical varieties of
General Mills’ monster-themed breakfast cereals are only sold during Halloween
season, but perhaps the scariest thing associated with them is that eating Frankenberry
can make it appear as if you are suffering from rectal bleeding.
Also of interest is the fact that
Count Chocula was originally known as “Dr. Count Chocula." General Mills declined to comment on why he
lost his medical license.
9. Sonny (Raisin Bran)
You would think the sun would have something better to do than putting two scoops of raisins into every box of Kellogs’ Raisin Bran, like being the source of light and life for the entire planet.
On the other hand, without the raisins, Raisin Bran would just be Bran, and although that makes me think of Game of Thrones, the cereal would be much more bland. And now I’m thinking of Arrested Development.
10. Buzz Bee (Honey Nut Cheerios)
Just what I want to think about while I’m eating cereal: insects.
11. So-Hi (Rice Crinkles)
What the Redskins are to football teams, So-Hi was to cereal. Before Post invented "Fruity Pebbles," they had a similar tasting, less colorful cereal known as "Rice Crinkles." And because the main ingredient is rice, it only makes sense that the mascot is a racist depiction of a Chinese boy, right?
And that's it for this week. May your life be as sweet as a bowl of post-cereal-milk.
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