Pop Culture Power Rankings: Pizza Toppings Edition!

Pizza was in the news recently when Jon Stewart of the Daily Show put Chicago in its place, making now as good a time as any to roll out my pizza-themed power rankings. 

Consider these rankings when you're deciding what toppings to order for your next pizza party (thanks for the invitation, by the way)!



1. Pepperoni Pizza

If we're just discussing the biggest names in the meat game, Pepperoni is not sniffing the top of that list. Don't get me wrong, it’s tasty for sure, and probably in the top ten, but it is rare that I ever get a craving for just pepperoni. But when it comes to deciding what toppings to get on your pizza, you can throw the normal hierarchy of meats out the window. For whatever reason, the true flavor of the pepperoni is unlocked only when it sits atop warm cheese and tomato sauce.  

Pepperoni pizzas may not be the most exciting choice, but they are the standard go-to when ordering toppings for a group (assuming you do not kowtow to silly vegetarians), and the most easily agreeable option. In other words, pepperonis are to pizza what chocolate chips are to cookies. 

Just look at what kind of pizza the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are enjoying. That's really all you need to know.

2. Hawaiian Pizza

The sweetness of the pineapple and the saltiness of the ham contrast to create a distinct yumminess (scientifically speaking), making it the perfect change of pace or compliment to all other pies. 

When ordered, it is a choice that is sometimes met with sour faces or confusion, and sometimes even outright revolt ("no one is going to eat that!"), but the supporters of the Hawaiian pizza are a zealous, ravenous lot. Simply put, I’ve never been to a pizza party where the Hawaiian pizza was not the first one to be finished.

3. Veggie Pizza

Here is one for our vegetarian friends (to whom, I have already established, we don't kowto)!

For those of us who like to pretend we are eating healthy while still enjoying a tasty, greasy disc of dough, sauce and bread, the veggie pizza is the way to go. Although onions, peppers and mushrooms are each classic choices on their own, when they are all thrown together (with broccoli and olives for good measure), the deliciousness can be overwhelming.

4. Meat Pizza (Meatza?)

The meat equivalent of the veggie pizza is another classic. The combination of sausage, meatball, chicken and pepperoni (and sometimes bacon) can be delightful, but it is also a delicate balance. While I believe that all the vegetables work together to enhance the flavor of each other, I find that too much meat can overload the pizza.

I'm sure plenty of people would have Meatza ranked above veggie pizza, but I'll take the taste and relative healthiness of a veggie pizza, even if it does mean alienating myself from Ron Swanson.

5. Fresh Mozzarella, Tomato, Basil and Roasted Garlic

When I'm president, it will be law that every slice of pizza in the world must contain at least two square inches of basil.

The only problem with ordering garlic is that I’ve often found pizza chefs assume I want a mouthful in every bite. With most of these other pizzas, I can rearrange or remove excess toppings, but with garlic, I'm basically stuck with what they put on (unless I want to sift through the entire slice with my fingers for every little garlic chunk).

The same ingredients can be found in a traditional Margherita pizza, which is always a great choice.

Side note: holy balls, that picture. Maybe I need to move this higher. I want now. Looks so good. Can't make good sentence. Bite computer screen. Not taste good.

6. Baked Ziti / Eggplant / Chicken Parm Pizza

When I am ordering a specialty slice, these options (as well as rigatoni a la vodka slices, various chicken slices, and numerous other specialty slices, but I didn't want the name of the tier to get too unwieldy) are all in the regular rotation. The idea is simple: a traditional Italian dish on top of a pizza. What could go wrong?

Nothing, in fact.

7. White Pizza

I used to be a big fan of white pizza, but these days, the lack of sauce really bums me out. Trust me, I love cheese as much as the next guy. Probably more than the next guy. In fact, I like cheese as much as anyone I know. But after years of being an amateur pizza judge, I now consider sauce to be the pizza’s secret weapon; the quality of the sauce often separates the good pizza from the great. 

Sauce is just not part of the equation when it comes to white pizza, which is fine, and when done right, the soft creaminess of the ricotta cheese can make for a sublime experience. But I usually prefer some sauce on my pizza to counteract dryness (the pineapples do this in the case of the Hawaiian pizza).

8. Extra Cheese

Cheese is not a topping, it’s an ingredient. It already exists on the pizza, so you'd have to be a real dullard to waste some of your precious topping fund on something you already have. Plus, the ratio of cheese to sauce to dough is fine the way it is; don’t be meddling with a good thing. You wouldn’t ever ask for extra dough, would you? That would throw off the correct proportions and create some kind of weird monstrosity. Oh wait, that’s Chicago-style pizza.

9. Taco Bell’s Mexican Pizza

If you can get over the fact that the beef you're eating is probably 50% carpet, Taco Bell's Mexican pizza is actually not terrible. But enough about that; one of my favorite commercials of all time happens to be for Taco Bell. Let's spend the next 31 seconds of our day watching that, yes?

10. Starburst Pizza

The closest pizzeria to my high school was run by an obnoxious, bigmouthed lout. I'll never forget the time I overheard a conversation he was having with a sixteen your old boy in which he said "next time you're making out, think of me." Sure, I missed the beginning of the conversation, but what context could have possibly made this any less creepy?

Anyway, this man often bragged that he would make any kind of pizza imaginable. Kids being kids, he was tasked with making "Starburst pizza," which is exactly what it sounds like: regular pizza with baked starburst on top. None for me, please and thank you.

11. No Cheese Because You Are Lactose Intolerant

Is there any affliction worse than lactose intolerance? Don't answer that - it was rhetorical.

Lactose intolerance (more frighteningly known as "hypolactasia") is the ants at the picnic, the turd in the swimming pool, the headless body on the roller coaster; it's just a real downer of a condition that turns smiles upside down, thus making them frowns.

It just breaks my little heart knowing that some people can't enjoy a slice of pizza in its entirety due to their body's inability to produce lactase. Sometimes life is truly unfair.