Ten Redeeming Qualities of X-Men 3: The Last Stand

Opinions on X-Men: The Last Stand ranged from "disappointing" to "flaming pile of Wolverine dung," with the general sense being that it left a great deal to be desired. If you disagree, you are Brett Ratner.

In anticipation of the release of X-Men: Days of Future Past, I decided to watch The Last Stand for the first time since Midnight on May 26, 2006 (A.K.A. the day my innocence was taken from me), with the intent of finding ten redeeming qualities. Here is what I found:

Spoilers, obviously, but who cares?

1. It's Short

At just 104 minutes, The Last Stand mercifully ended before I seriously considered getting violent. The length could also be considered a knock against it; considering that the movie crammed in two of the comic book series' iconic arcs, it should probably be longer than the average romantic comedy. But let's just be positive for like five minutes, okay? Jeeze.

2. The Danger Room

That there was finally a Danger Room scene is pretty neat. The fact that it contained a Colossus- Wolverine fastball special resulting in a decapitated Sentinel makes it a highlight.

3. Ellen Page

Page was wonderfully cast as Kitty Pryde, a fan favorite character who had appeared briefly in the first two films, portrayed by two lesser-known actresses. The fact that Page was struggling with her own sexual identity at the time must have made the movie's themes even more meaningful to her.

4. Kelsey Grammer

Grammer was an inspired choice to play Hank McCoy / Beast. Although his costume makes him look like Sully from Monster Inc.'s stunt double, the actor himself is a great fit at the brainy mutant.

5. I'm the Juggernaut, Bitch!

The movie's most memorable line is often cited as a point against the film, but I have a feeling that if it appeared in one of the better X-Men films, this line would be considered a fun, meta moment. And no matter how bad the movie was, we'll always have that clip. Seriously, this was one of the few things Ratner did right.

If Game of Thrones were produced by Judd Apatow...

According to the multiverse theory, there are an infinite amount of dimensions existing simultaneously. There is a dimension in which Al Gore won the presidential election and, thus, never went back in time to create the internet. There is a dimension in which the Buffalo Bills won Super Bowl XXVI but still lost Super Bowls XXV, XXVII and XXVIII. There is a dimension in which every new movie is a remake of A Beautiful Mind, each time with one added factual inaccuracy.

One of my favorite dimensions is the one in which comedy kingpin Judd Apatow was chosen to produce HBO's Game of Thrones. The Long Island native is known for writing, directing and / or producing many of the decade’s biggest comedy hits, including Anchorman, 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, Superbad, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Girls.

The following list depicts the actors cast in the show’s key roles, as well as my reactions to each choice.

Part One: Starks and Friends!

Ned Stark: Seth Rogen

Who better than Apatow’s golden boy to be the face of Game of Throne’s flagship family? Sure, he’s a little young for the part, but that’s nothing a bit of CGI can’t clean up. Keep in mind that almost all of Apatow's regulars are in the 25-45 range, so age inconsistencies are just something viewers have to deal with.

Rogen and Evan Goldberg have also been tabbed to write many of the episodes.

Catelyn Stark: Kristen Wiig

Another strong choice. Wiig’s malleable face can depict a wide range of emotions. She’ll need to tap into all of them, from "disappointed" to "miserable," to accurately depict Catelyn. Plus, Rogen and Wiig already have experience playing a couple, as they portrayed the young George and Lucille Bluth on Season Four or Arrested Development.

Pop Culture Power Rankings: Worst New Show of 2013!

What better way to celebrate the year that was than to rank all of the characters from the worst new show of 2013?

First, we must determine the worst show to debut in the past twelve months. This was an unusually strong year; shows like Dads and The Millers were bad enough to have taken home the honor in most years. But with a slate stocked with so much dogshit, being an unfunny sit-com - no matter how racist or fart-filled - just wasn't going to cut it (if I were a writer for The Millers, the phrase "cut it" would have been an excellent opportunity for a fart joke).

With Dads and The Millers, you knew what you were getting into from day zero. Even with the amount of talent on board both shows, there was never a moment when anyone ever thought either program would be anything other than awful.

The worst show of 2013 needed to be a special kind of bad. It needed to have gotten your hopes up at some point that it could have been worth watching, only to squander that potential.

Enter: Under the Dome!

When it was announced that Stephen King's novel was being adapted as a Showtime miniseries, there was plenty of buzz. People remained interested when the commercials for the show, which was now known to be a CBS television series, started leaking out. By the time the first episode ended, we were left with some intriguing threads that could have led to a fun and absorbing mystery / science fiction show. And then, like the town of Chester's Mill itself, everything started to fall apart.

It got bad. Real bad. In lieu of any sort of interesting plot, we got a narrative that meandered between pointless cliffhangers and questions we did not care to have answered. It was as if a community college film student wrote a spec-script for a Lost spinoff series and plugged in characters and locations from Stephen King's novel. Then, so CBS' core audience could understand it, they dumbed it down even more.

The result: a verifiable hit, and one of the highest rated new shows on television.

So, without further ado, here are the rankings of the characters from Under the Dome, the worst show of the year!

1. Cow

Pop Culture Power Rankings: Ugly Christmas Sweaters!

With December 25 almost upon us, this week's power rankings also double as a plea to lay down our arms and end this senseless war on Christmas! How many elves must die before enough is enough?

Click on the pictures to experience the full effect of each sweater's endearing tackiness. Links for each original picture is provided in the tier headings, but the terrible puns are all courtesy of yours truly (me).

1. Dreaming of a Black Christmas

Here it is: undeniable proof that Santa Claus can be black, much to the chagrin of Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly. If it wasn't true, it wouldn't be on a sweater. That simple, universal truth applies to most situations.

This particular sweater makes the statement that Christmas spirit is colorblind. Then again, anyone wearing any of these ugly sweaters most likely has some sort of visual impairment.

2. Here Plumbs Santa Claus

This sweater shows us the softer side of Santa (he really needs to add more roughage to his diet). It reminds us that Mr. Kringle is, after all, just another human, while also confirming the old adage that "everybody poops."

3. Ginger-dead Man

When discussing the history of Christmas, our society tends to gloss over the dark spots. It is time for us to put an end to the morally reprehensible practice of granting consciousness to inanimate cookies, then promptly eating them, limb-by-limb. Can we at least agree to eat them head-first to give them the mercy of a quick death?

This sweater depicts the events of the infamous "Night of Insatiable Hunger," in which Santa consumed nearly two-thirds of the world's Gingerbread Man population. Since that night, children have been leaving an offering of milk and cookies for Old Saint Nick in order to replete his cravings and save the now-endangered species of Gingerbread Men.

Pop Culture Power Rankings: Marvel Movie Villains!

If you want your movie to be a box-office success, your best bet is to slap the word "Marvel's" in front of it. John Carter, The Lone Ranger, and countless other bombs could have avoided their infamous pratfalls had they simply heeded this advice.

There have been a number of excellent movies based on Marvel comic books, as well as a fair share of misfires. Likewise, these movies contain some memorable and iconic villains, as well as some disappointing duds.

This week's rankings contain both the best and worst Marvel movie villains.

1. Magneto

Magneto is, in my opinion (and since I am the King of this blog, my opinion is all that matters), the greatest comic book villain of all time. The best villains should be powerful and motivated while also eliciting empathy from the audience.  Magneto has these qualities in spades; his ability to create magnetic force fields and manipulate metal make him a dangerous adversary, while his goal to eradicate all humans in the name of mutant superiority is truly menacing. The audience can sympathize with his motives, given his backstory as a holocaust survivor, while still rooting for him to fail.

In the X-Men films, Magneto is portrayed by two of the best actors of their generation: Sir Ian McKellan and Michael Fassbender. Lesser actors may have been overwhelmed by the gravity of the character and his moral dilemma, but both men gave powerhouse performances. Their chemistry with Charles Xavier (Patrick Stewart and James McAvoy, respectively) is exceptional, and both McKelland and Fassbender are responsible for some of the franchise’s best moments (Fassbender was the unanimous MVP of X-Men: First Class).

Magneto is as essential to the X-Men franchise as any single character (yes, even Wolverine), and the depiction of the mutant team’s sometimes-arch-nemesis, sometimes-frienemy has been consistently superb throughout the series.

Pop Culture Power Rankings: American Idol!

The past couple of weeks, American Idol commercials have been playing on FOX with increasing regularity. This means two things: it is almost time to not watch FOX on Wednesdays and Thursdays (or whenever American Idol is on these days…I’m not looking it up) and that American Idol winners are this week’s theme.

The rankings are based on a combination of the artist’s music sales, how much of an impact they have had on pop culture and how much I like them.

Candice Glover, the most recent champion, has been left off because it is too early to judge her post-Idol career.

1. Kelly Clarkson (Season One)

The original American Idol is also the best to have ever graced the show’s stage. Her vocal range is fantastic, her song choices (and co-writing, when applicable) are excellent and she seems like a fun, kindhearted person. She was even an essential part of one of the best comedy films of the century. The only knock against her is that she’s a Cowboys fan, but no one is perfect.

“Since U Been Gone” may have a sophomoric title (which makes sense, since it is from her second album), but it also might be the best song to have come from anyone associated with the show. Her catalog is easily the most impressive of any Idol alum, and her 2004 breakthrough album (aptly titled Breakaway) produced five singles that charted #12 or higher.

Simply put, she is the best thing to have ever come out of American Idol and her rise to stardom validates the existence of the show. Not even From Justin to Kelly can change that.

Thanks, Snowbama: In Defense of President Snow

I recently saw Hunger Games: Catching Fire and what really stood out to me was how much the hero of the film, President Coriolanus Snow, was misunderstood by the people of Panem. 

Look, I don't always agree with the guy's policies, but it is getting to the point where everyone in the districts will use him as a convenient scapegoat for every little thing that goes wrong.

"Peacekeepers monitoring every intimate detail of our lives? Must be Snow's fault! Morphling addiction is at an all time high? Gotta be Snow's fault! Can't afford to put a Groosling on the table? Snow's fault! Got a Tracker Jacker infestation? Gee, you think this might be Snow's fault?"

Kind of reminds me of the way another president is treated.

Warning: Panem propaganda and tasteless Hunger Games movie spoilers ahead!