With December 25 almost upon us, this week's power rankings also double as a plea to lay down our arms and end this senseless war on Christmas! How many elves must die before enough is enough?
Click on the pictures to experience the full effect of each sweater's endearing tackiness. Links for each original picture is provided in the tier headings, but the terrible puns are all courtesy of yours truly (me).
Here it is: undeniable proof that Santa Claus can be black, much to the chagrin of Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly. If it wasn't true, it wouldn't be on a sweater. That simple, universal truth applies to most situations.
This particular sweater makes the statement that Christmas spirit is colorblind. Then again, anyone wearing any of these ugly sweaters most likely has some sort of visual impairment.
This sweater shows us the softer side of Santa (he really needs to add more roughage to his diet). It reminds us that Mr. Kringle is, after all, just another human, while also confirming the old adage that "everybody poops."
When discussing the history of Christmas, our society tends to gloss over the dark spots. It is time for us to put an end to the morally reprehensible practice of granting consciousness to inanimate cookies, then promptly eating them, limb-by-limb. Can we at least agree to eat them head-first to give them the mercy of a quick death?
This sweater depicts the events of the infamous "Night of Insatiable Hunger," in which Santa consumed nearly two-thirds of the world's Gingerbread Man population. Since that night, children have been leaving an offering of milk and cookies for Old Saint Nick in order to replete his cravings and save the now-endangered species of Gingerbread Men.
These possessed bears (which may or may not be inspired by the video for Muse's "Uprising") are so hilariously creepy, I really don't know if I should be laughing or grabbing my bottle of holy water.
Ned's Tip: it's cheaper to buy holy water in bulk than to have each individual bottle of normal water Priest-blessed every time you need to perform an exorcism. Just make sure to use each bottle within a week of opening or else it will lose its carbonation.
For you do-it-yourselfers, here is a third-party website with tips on how to make your own holy water!
No explanation is really necessary about why this is awesome. It would have been neat if each turtle's Santa hat was color coordinated with his mask, but maybe that would be overkill. I don't know; I'd need to see some sort of mock-up.
One of these days, we'll get the full-fledged Glen Coco spinoff we deserve. Until then, we'll have to be content with his small but crucial role in Mean Girls.
This sure gives new meaning to the term "reindeer games!"Heyo! I'll be here all week! Try the reindeer!
Just your classic ugly Christmas sweater. It is only acceptable to wear this sweater on December 24 or 25. For full effect, make sure it smells like moth balls.
The equivalent of the ugly Christmas sweater for those of us who like to show off the guns.
Oh, my goodness. No. Please, no. Make it stop.
Look, I like Honest Abe as much as the next guy. I wouldn't be opposed to putting that mug of his on some of our currency, or even chiseling his face into a large slab of stone. But this crudely-made sweater is no way to honor our nation's second president (1. Washington, 2. Lincoln, 3-50. ???)
Fun fact: if Lincoln were still alive today, he'd be the oldest person in history.
Look how cool I am! This shirt is insinuating that you should give me a David Blowie! No, not you, Grandma. Definitely not you, Rachel, no offense. And who invited Mr. Alexander? Now I'll never get that raise!
He looks as proud as the first ever person to discover the "I'm with Stupid" T-shirt on the thrift store rack.
From the entire staff here at Ned Snark: Merry Christmas!
You are too much!
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