Pop Culture Power Rankings: American Idol!

The past couple of weeks, American Idol commercials have been playing on FOX with increasing regularity. This means two things: it is almost time to not watch FOX on Wednesdays and Thursdays (or whenever American Idol is on these days…I’m not looking it up) and that American Idol winners are this week’s theme.

The rankings are based on a combination of the artist’s music sales, how much of an impact they have had on pop culture and how much I like them.

Candice Glover, the most recent champion, has been left off because it is too early to judge her post-Idol career.

1. Kelly Clarkson (Season One)

The original American Idol is also the best to have ever graced the show’s stage. Her vocal range is fantastic, her song choices (and co-writing, when applicable) are excellent and she seems like a fun, kindhearted person. She was even an essential part of one of the best comedy films of the century. The only knock against her is that she’s a Cowboys fan, but no one is perfect.

“Since U Been Gone” may have a sophomoric title (which makes sense, since it is from her second album), but it also might be the best song to have come from anyone associated with the show. Her catalog is easily the most impressive of any Idol alum, and her 2004 breakthrough album (aptly titled Breakaway) produced five singles that charted #12 or higher.

Simply put, she is the best thing to have ever come out of American Idol and her rise to stardom validates the existence of the show. Not even From Justin to Kelly can change that.

Thanks, Snowbama: In Defense of President Snow

I recently saw Hunger Games: Catching Fire and what really stood out to me was how much the hero of the film, President Coriolanus Snow, was misunderstood by the people of Panem. 

Look, I don't always agree with the guy's policies, but it is getting to the point where everyone in the districts will use him as a convenient scapegoat for every little thing that goes wrong.

"Peacekeepers monitoring every intimate detail of our lives? Must be Snow's fault! Morphling addiction is at an all time high? Gotta be Snow's fault! Can't afford to put a Groosling on the table? Snow's fault! Got a Tracker Jacker infestation? Gee, you think this might be Snow's fault?"

Kind of reminds me of the way another president is treated.

Warning: Panem propaganda and tasteless Hunger Games movie spoilers ahead!

Pop Culture Power Rankings: Big Cats!

In celebration of the week-long holiday I am currently observing, Big Cat Week, this week’s theme is the best fictional big cats of all time!

Big cats are often defined as members of genus Panthera (Lion, Tiger, Jaguar and Leopard), but we’re going to use the more expansive definition, which also includes Cougars and Cheetahs. So although Garfield is a large fictional cat, he is not eligible.

  

The following were considered but ultimately left off: Baby Puss (The Flintstones), Bagheera (The Jungle Book), Daniel Striped Tiger (Mister Roger’s Neighborhood), Diego (Ice Age), Leo the Lion (MGM), Master Tigress (Kung Fu Panda), Shere Kahn (The Jungle Book and TaleSpin)

1. Hobbes (Calvin and Hobbes)

If you have never read any Calvin and Hobbes, stop reading this immediately, revert back to your ten-year-old-self and annoy your parents until they buy you a copy of one of the many amazing Calvin and Hobbes collections. 

If you are still reading, that means you have either read Calvin and Hobbes in the past or you are now ten years old, taking a break from reading Calvin and Hobbes because you just finished the one where Calvin finds an injured Raccoon and you are emotionally spent.

The highly acclaimed comic strip is ranked number one on every single list of the best comic strips of all time (we here at Ned Snark do not acknowledge any list that does not agree) and Hobbes is certainly one of the top two characters in said comic strip (the other being Calvin, which probably goes without saying, but I wanted to make that clear for the hundreds of ten-year-olds reading this blog post).

Pop Culture Power Rankings: 2000s SNL Alumni!

Eligibility Rules: Alumnus / alumna must have been a main cast member of Saturday Night Live during this current century, which began on January 1, 2000 and is scheduled to end on December 31, 2099, barring unforeseen circumstances.

Thus, writers such as John Mulaney, Akiva Schaffer, Michael Schur, J.B. Smoove and Jorma Taccone, as well as featured cast members such as Rob Riggle, Jenny Slate, Michaela Watkins and Casey Wilson are not eligible.

Other Notes: The rankings are not based on how much success each person has had in their careers outside of SNL, but by how much enjoyment (i.e. smiles, giggles, great big belly-laughs, etc.) I have derived from their non-SNL career.

Tier Seven was originally the Fred Armisen tier, but I realized that I have not seen enough Portlandia to make any reasonable statements about Armisen’s non-SNL career. 

The following were also considered but ultimately left out due to a lack of space: Will Forte, Ana Gasteyer, Chris Kattan, Tim Meadows, Chris Parnell, Maya Rudolph, Horatio Sanz, Molly Shannon

#1: Tina Fey

Any conversation about today’s best comedy talents is wholly incomplete without mentioning Tina Fey. Gifted comedy writers can go a whole career without penning something as funny, popular and influential as Mean Girls or 30 Rock. Not only did Fey create both of these critically acclaimed works of comedy gold, she also appeared in both of them, starring in 30 Rock.

Fey also shined in the underrated and surprisingly hilarious Baby Mama, wrote the #1 best seller Bossypants, hosted the Golden Globes with pal Amy Poehler (and will be back again in 2014! Look out Taylor Swift!), and is set to star in the new Muppets movie. 

With contributions like that, I can forgive her for Date Night. 

Pop Culture Power Rankings: Pizza Toppings Edition!

Pizza was in the news recently when Jon Stewart of the Daily Show put Chicago in its place, making now as good a time as any to roll out my pizza-themed power rankings. 

Consider these rankings when you're deciding what toppings to order for your next pizza party (thanks for the invitation, by the way)!



1. Pepperoni Pizza

If we're just discussing the biggest names in the meat game, Pepperoni is not sniffing the top of that list. Don't get me wrong, it’s tasty for sure, and probably in the top ten, but it is rare that I ever get a craving for just pepperoni. But when it comes to deciding what toppings to get on your pizza, you can throw the normal hierarchy of meats out the window. For whatever reason, the true flavor of the pepperoni is unlocked only when it sits atop warm cheese and tomato sauce.  

Pepperoni pizzas may not be the most exciting choice, but they are the standard go-to when ordering toppings for a group (assuming you do not kowtow to silly vegetarians), and the most easily agreeable option. In other words, pepperonis are to pizza what chocolate chips are to cookies. 

Just look at what kind of pizza the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are enjoying. That's really all you need to know.

2. Hawaiian Pizza

The sweetness of the pineapple and the saltiness of the ham contrast to create a distinct yumminess (scientifically speaking), making it the perfect change of pace or compliment to all other pies. 

When ordered, it is a choice that is sometimes met with sour faces or confusion, and sometimes even outright revolt ("no one is going to eat that!"), but the supporters of the Hawaiian pizza are a zealous, ravenous lot. Simply put, I’ve never been to a pizza party where the Hawaiian pizza was not the first one to be finished.

Pop Culture Power Rankings: Cereal Mascots Edition!

What is the best way to get children addicted to sugary cereal? Create a fun, colorful mascot that is also addicted to said cereal!

1. Tony the Tiger (Frosted Flakes)

There is some pretty strong competition for the best cereal mascot, but in the end, it had to be the big guy. 

Not only does he have the most recognizable catchphrase (something about how good his cereal is…I can’t recall at the moment), but he also has the good sense not to tackle your son when the three of you are playing football in your front yard. In fact, I’m pretty sure Tony is the only one on this list that you would trust to play sports with your son.

2. Cap’n Crunch

According to Wikipidia (not that hard, was it Rand?) Cap’n Horatio Magellan Crunch was “born on Crunch Island in the Sea of Milk – a magical place with talking trees, crazy creatures and a whole mountain (Mt. Crunchmore) made out of Cap’n Crunch cereal.”

Yes, his cereal is 45% cardboard and has a 70% chance of cutting the inside of your mouth, but at least it sometimes comes with a healthy dose of crunch berries. 

I’d also like to take this opportunity to wish Cap’n Crunch, as well as everyone else who has served in our nations’ armed forces, a happy Veterans Day (although there is some controversy regarding whether or not he is actually a captain).

Pop Culture Power Rankings: Halloween Costumes!

For this week’s theme, I ranked the most popular character costumes I saw during the 2013 Halloween parade in Greenwich Village.

I created a scientific formula to score each costume (dubbed the "Halloween Happy Time" score) by factoring the timeliness of the costume, how good the costume looks, how many people I saw wearing the costume, and how surprised I am that this costume was popular.

Unfortunately, the result was a seemingly random order, so I just re-ranked them based on how much I like the source material (which is, in itself, a ridiculous task…how do you compare a movie to television show to a video game to a pop star?)

#1: Marvel's Avengers

At this point, I’m pretty sure you could put the word “Marvel’s” in front of Manos: The Hands of Fate, and it would make $100 million. This same idea applies to Halloween, as the big M’s costumes were everywhere. The most popular were Iron Man, Captain America and Spider-Man (no, he’s not in the movie, but Spider-Man has occasionally been a member of the Avengers in the comic books, so I’m counting it. If you disagree with this decision, please direct all hate-mail to NedSnarkComplaintLine@gmail.com).

But the real reason the Avengers are ranked #1 is because there was no better Halloween costume than that of the lady shown above (who may or may not be my sister), who dressed up as all six of the (movie’s) Avengers, as well as Nick Fury, at once.

(Halloween Happy Time score: 89.4/100)